Them's the Breaks

How many times do you get pushed down before you finally say ok...I quit...I can’t keep pushing through this any longer?

How many times have you needed a break in life, and in the most opportune time for one...it doesn’t come?

Not twenty-four hours after my first real step forward have I found myself taking one of the biggest and most painful leaps back.  Following a fifteen hour drive to Vancouver British Columbia from Calgary Alberta I was finally in the one place where I felt that I belonged.  That place, the Pacific Audio Visual Institute of Vancouver.  I had made it, I was in my first day of film school and about to embark on a year of doing something I loved and finally finding a career I wanted to do instead of just a job I hated going to. 

In less than two hours I will hand in a letter, stating my intent to withdraw from the program.

I could go into all the factors which have brought me to this decision, but I am so sick and tired of explaining why things just don’t seem to work out, that I couldn’t even be bothered to go into any detail at this time.

Gross miscommunications, ugly misinterpretations and many other factors are at play.

I do hope to return next year September 2012 but I guess if it’s not in the cards it’s just simply that... not in the cards.

I really don’t know how to feel about all this just yet.  Part of me wants to rage in anger and throw a typical Wallmart tantrum that all the kids in the store seem to like to throw, at the same time!  I want to kick and scream and throw things against the wall but of course I am staying with a friend, so throwing things would be waaay out of the question.  It really is a nice place Mel (tits) lol (inside hockey joke)

Another part of me wants to slip into a deep dark coma and not have to deal with anything else in life ever again.  Yes I have had head injuries; no, this is not a suicide note.  No, that is not a joke.  I will admit when I first found out that school may not even be an option for me and I was going to have to live yet another year struggling, working at a job I have grown to despise.  Leaving everything behind and just disappearing was a major thought rolling around inside my lid.  Stop fighting, stop trying, and stop everything.  These of course are things I could never do.  They are just not in my nature, but we all have thoughts like that at one point or another and in my opinion they are perfectly healthy and normal.  Acting on them however, is not.

Mostly I just want this to all be over.  I want to be back in Cow town where I can once again do a job I hate, pray I am accepted into film school for  the following year and for the umpteenth time, attempt to save a crap load of money and apply  yet again for that all important  student loan. Right now that actually sounds pretty comforting. Believe it or not lol

I have received a lot of messages from those I have told about my situation.  I thank you all so much for your genuine concern!  Luckily I have been given the (sometimes not such a gift) of patients and the ability to construct a rational and common sense based process of thinking.  Timing is everything, and as much as I would have preferred to stick it out and get my schooling done this year; the bad would ultimately outweigh the good, the positive the negative and the rain the snow J ok not really on the rain part, as I was in fact really looking forward to not driving through minus forty degree blizzards this winter. 

In this extremely short period of adjustment time, I have gone through all the phases needed to process and come to terms with the reality of the situation.  I firmly believe I have made the right decision and having a year to prepare for this uproot will most undoubtedly be easier and less stressful in the long term.  Don’t get me wrong, this was yet again one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make and I have only ever really had to make three.

So there you have it, a real heartfelt in your face ugly to the bone feeling s kind of blog.  Not your typical Margo kind of blog but it’s a blog none the less.

I would like to thank Mel and Renee for their awesome hospitality while I was in Vancouver.  It’s not every day someone arrives to a new town and gets thrown right smack dab in the middle of a Lobster feast party...Well actually, it seems every time I come to Vancouver I have at least one of those experiences lol not that I am complaining.  Beaujolais parties, lobster parties...a girl could grow accustomed to stuff like that.  I did have the opportunity to meet some really great hockey ladies out here and if I were to play again while I was out this way I would be more than honoured to call their team my own.  I felt right at home with them and was fascinated by their stories.  These were some of the select few who managed to make it through the longest hockey game in history.  That’s right boys...the ladies did it J Ten days of hockey to raise funds for the Cystic Fibrosis foundation.  How they ever managed to get their feet back in their skates after the first four hour shift I will never know.  Kudos to you ladies! Kudos to you!

 I will be making a special blog dedicated to this event, as I think it was an awesome thing to do and I am so proud that it was in fact forty woman who stepped up for a cause and stepped up in a huge way.  

M

What are you fighting for?

I recently spent ten days of my life volunteering for the transrockies 2011 Mountain bike race from Fernie British Columbia to Canmore Alberta.  Rider after rider they rolled across the finish line.  Most of them in good spirits, some in great spirits and of course others...pale, out of breath and ready to vomit.  This is a race I myself would never do.  I figured if I were out of breath and exhausted climbing the stairs with my groceries...Then the Transrockies seven day mountain bike race, was probably not the best place for me. 

As for some of the other riders in this race...kudos to you!

 I would however like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to Team Zach Attack.  Dana Goodman and Margie Smith are Sisters, racing partners and from how it looked to me, the best of friends.  Margie Smith is an avid mountain bike racer and enjoys getting out on the path as much as she can.  Dana is a different story with a heartbreaking beginning but a motivational and inspirational middle.  I hesitate to use the word ‘end’ because as far as I am concerned, this is just the start.  I say this because a little over a year ago, Dana Goodman had to endure one of the most life altering and horrific experiences one could ever imagine. Team ‘Zach Attack’ was formed to raise money for the Make-A-Wish Foundation® in 2010. It is in memory of Zach Laird, Dana’s son, who passed away May 2, 2010, at the age of 13 from a brain tumour called Glioblastoma. The Make-A-Wish Foundation® made it possible for Zach and his family to have an unforgettable trip to Hawaii just before he passed away.  Dana was an inspiration to everyone in this race as she says she is not exactly an avid mountain biker, yet both she and her sister managed to reach the podium at every stage of the race. I for one am moved by Dana’s spirit, drive and determination.  I can only imagine how difficult things must have been for the entire family over this last year. 
I am sorry I didn’t get this blog out sooner as Team Zach Attack was trying to reach a goal of $50,000 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation during the race.  However, I am sure there are people out there who will be more than happy to contact Make-A-Wish and donate in the name of Team Zach Attack for many years to come. 
I do want to make this clear that I did not write this post to raise money for any organization.  I wrote this post because I was inspired by Dana Goodman and her sister Margie Smith.  If you know anything about the Transrockies you know it is one of the most difficult mountain bike races in the world.  I know we all like to pick our hero from the celebrity athletes or the super human characters we see on the big screen.  But for me, a woman fighting for a cause and pushing though as much emotional and physical pain and exhaustion as Dana Goodman has, gets my vote for hero... EVERY TIME!

Hello Again!

Just when you thought you were free and clear of reading anymore of my opinionated, passionate and sometimes even a little uneducated blog posts...I go and write another one!

Unfortunately, it is with great heartache and sorrow that I open this phase with the news of Peppers passing.  On April 1^st 2011 I said goodbye to my long time friend, travel companion and for lack of a better word...son.  To those of you, who had expressed doubts about taking a dog on a trip such as the Kindness Tour, please be assured one thing had nothing to do with the other.  I of course have my moments of “what if’s” but then again, who wouldn’t?  The outcome would have been the same and I for one am so very grateful to have spent as much time with him as I had.  Not many people can say they spend almost every waking moment with their kids.  I am fairly certain in his younger years we did spend  every moment together, as most nights I would wake up to a spotted head resting on the pillow next to me.  You have no idea how hard it is to kick a dog off your bed when they have figured out how to smile and laugh.  Yes that’s right...smile and laugh!  Both of which Pepper had down to a science.  I will forever hold a place inside my heart for all my kids, never to be filled or replaced.  I know as time goes on I will learn to remember the good times and not focus so much on how much I miss them.  I do however assure you that there will always be a void and a longing to see them again and no amount of time passed, will ever take that away.

Thus begins Phase Two.  As I had mentioned several times in my blog posts throughout my travels, the kindness tour was just the beginning.  My plans to use it as a sort of sociological experiment are still in the works.  I have been accepted into film school in Vancouver; unfortunately now have to wait for the Government to make a decision on whether or not they feel like aiding in my financial situation while I attempt to broaden my horizons.  Film is where I want to be and film is where I know I can make a difference.

 Deep down we all know what we want to do, it just takes some of use longer to figure it out.  Then again, some of us have always known, we just need that little break or a helping hand to let us know whatever it is, it’s always there for the taking.  A wise woman once told me, “If you want something bad enough, you will get it.”  I tend to disagree with this statement lol only because I believe that things happen for a reason. In this I would also have to believe that certain things ‘don’t’ happen for a reason.  If it isn’t meant to be, no matter how hard I fight for it and how much I want it, it was never mine to have in the first place. Of course as stubborn as I am, most of the time when I want something I will stop at nothing until I  get it, regardless of how hard I have to work.  Of course once I do get it, I don’t want it anymore J  hmmm note to self...”see a therapist”

You may be wondering why I chose now of all times to start the next stage in my blogging. Don’t worry; I was wondering the same thing.  I have had a few people ask about it over the past few weeks and just sort of figured...why not.  I don’t really know yet what form I want this phase to take, or what I want to discuss over the next little while but I am sure with input from my awesome friends, situations that may arise in my everyday life and of course those crazy, insightful yet cryptic dreams I have been having over the last few months, something will come up.

So there you have it, the continuation of...something!

Let’s just call it what it is right now.  That line up or ‘Q’ if you will; that people stand in simply because there is one to stand in.  Reading this blog probably won’t change your life, but writing it sure has changed mine.  Like I said before, this is just the spark needed to start the wildfire.  I can still feel it in my soul that one day soon, this will all lead to something great!  Even if it is just that stranger on the street who bumps into me and says...”hey, aren’t’ you that blogger who writes all that random stuff about absolutely nothing with no knowledge of how to properly structure a sentence or punctuate a paragraph”?  ;-)