How many times do you get pushed down before you finally say ok...I quit...I can’t keep pushing through this any longer?
How many times have you needed a break in life, and in the most opportune time for one...it doesn’t come?
Not twenty-four hours after my first real step forward have I found myself taking one of the biggest and most painful leaps back. Following a fifteen hour drive to Vancouver British Columbia from Calgary Alberta I was finally in the one place where I felt that I belonged. That place, the Pacific Audio Visual Institute of Vancouver. I had made it, I was in my first day of film school and about to embark on a year of doing something I loved and finally finding a career I wanted to do instead of just a job I hated going to.
In less than two hours I will hand in a letter, stating my intent to withdraw from the program.
I could go into all the factors which have brought me to this decision, but I am so sick and tired of explaining why things just don’t seem to work out, that I couldn’t even be bothered to go into any detail at this time.
Gross miscommunications, ugly misinterpretations and many other factors are at play.
I do hope to return next year September 2012 but I guess if it’s not in the cards it’s just simply that... not in the cards.
I really don’t know how to feel about all this just yet. Part of me wants to rage in anger and throw a typical Wallmart tantrum that all the kids in the store seem to like to throw, at the same time! I want to kick and scream and throw things against the wall but of course I am staying with a friend, so throwing things would be waaay out of the question. It really is a nice place Mel (tits) lol (inside hockey joke)
Another part of me wants to slip into a deep dark coma and not have to deal with anything else in life ever again. Yes I have had head injuries; no, this is not a suicide note. No, that is not a joke. I will admit when I first found out that school may not even be an option for me and I was going to have to live yet another year struggling, working at a job I have grown to despise. Leaving everything behind and just disappearing was a major thought rolling around inside my lid. Stop fighting, stop trying, and stop everything. These of course are things I could never do. They are just not in my nature, but we all have thoughts like that at one point or another and in my opinion they are perfectly healthy and normal. Acting on them however, is not.
Mostly I just want this to all be over. I want to be back in Cow town where I can once again do a job I hate, pray I am accepted into film school for the following year and for the umpteenth time, attempt to save a crap load of money and apply yet again for that all important student loan. Right now that actually sounds pretty comforting. Believe it or not lol
I have received a lot of messages from those I have told about my situation. I thank you all so much for your genuine concern! Luckily I have been given the (sometimes not such a gift) of patients and the ability to construct a rational and common sense based process of thinking. Timing is everything, and as much as I would have preferred to stick it out and get my schooling done this year; the bad would ultimately outweigh the good, the positive the negative and the rain the snow J ok not really on the rain part, as I was in fact really looking forward to not driving through minus forty degree blizzards this winter.
In this extremely short period of adjustment time, I have gone through all the phases needed to process and come to terms with the reality of the situation. I firmly believe I have made the right decision and having a year to prepare for this uproot will most undoubtedly be easier and less stressful in the long term. Don’t get me wrong, this was yet again one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make and I have only ever really had to make three.
So there you have it, a real heartfelt in your face ugly to the bone feeling s kind of blog. Not your typical Margo kind of blog but it’s a blog none the less.
I would like to thank Mel and Renee for their awesome hospitality while I was in Vancouver. It’s not every day someone arrives to a new town and gets thrown right smack dab in the middle of a Lobster feast party...Well actually, it seems every time I come to Vancouver I have at least one of those experiences lol not that I am complaining. Beaujolais parties, lobster parties...a girl could grow accustomed to stuff like that. I did have the opportunity to meet some really great hockey ladies out here and if I were to play again while I was out this way I would be more than honoured to call their team my own. I felt right at home with them and was fascinated by their stories. These were some of the select few who managed to make it through the longest hockey game in history. That’s right boys...the ladies did it J Ten days of hockey to raise funds for the Cystic Fibrosis foundation. How they ever managed to get their feet back in their skates after the first four hour shift I will never know. Kudos to you ladies! Kudos to you!
I will be making a special blog dedicated to this event, as I think it was an awesome thing to do and I am so proud that it was in fact forty woman who stepped up for a cause and stepped up in a huge way.
M
